Motivation in a bottle?

Seriously, if anyone out there has made the miraculous discovery of motivation in a bottle, please send the info this way. I need to work. I know I need to work. Financial issues blatantly flash red warning signs stating in no uncertain terms that I need to work. I am trying to work. For some reason, the inspiration and motivation just are not there. Go figure.

I am beginning to think that I need to take some serious time to find out what is going on with me. I have found a way to make a little extra money, nothing that I see supporting us anytime soon, but at something to help us with a little extra income. It is pretty simple work. I can do it right here from home on the computer with a minimum of effort. What is wrong with me that I am still having such a hard time finding the motivation to get it done? I just kind of blank out. I have been getting headaches with increasing frequency lately as well.  There is definitely a problem here somewhere that needs to be addressed. I know myself well enough to know that something is seriously off and I just can't seem to pinpoint the source.

The majority of the headaches I have been suffering are myofacial - read stress induced. I carry my stress in my jaws and shoulders and when those muscles lock up it puts my head in vice. Ergo, I need to de-stress. I am also eating more than I should be. This is a serious problem for someone who has a compulsive eating disorder and is a recovering bulimic. A little in-depth and personal, maybe even TMI, but that is the way it is.

I believe part of the problem is a lack of meditation and spiritual time. I am not religious but I have always been devoutly spiritual and I have let myself slack in that department recently. There is no real excuse for this. I have plenty of time considering I do not currently have a "real job". I am spending far too much time seeking escape from my reality and very little trying to do what needs to be done to change it. I am self aware enough to realize this is what I am doing, acknowledge it and kick myself for it, but simply can't seem to find the gumption to pull out of it. I don't expect anyone to understand that because, frankly, I don't understand it. Isn't being self aware and cognizant of your behavior supposed to be the path to changing it? Especially when it is destructive behavior that you recognize and deplore?

My other issue is a major bout of depression, also recognized and acknowledged, that I am struggling daily to dig out of. To be honest, this pisses me off. Why? Because on top of the fact that I can't seem to shake it, there isn't a real, solid reason for it outside of my own mental masturbation. I have a wonderful relationship with a loving partner. I have three awesome children who are worlds above and beyond what I could hope for. We are always financially strapped but we still manage. The gods have seen to that for years. I have managed to develop a loving and close relationship with my mother that is...almost unbelievably....a healthy one. So what is my problem? Aside from money, I have everything most people beg and wish for throughout their whole lives and most never truly achieve. Knowing all of this just adds to the mental flagellation because I feel like an idiot for not being able to be blissfully happy and full of constant gratitude for all I have.

I think I am going to go take some meditation time and see if I can all of this churning bile in my head to settle.